I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
