I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
