the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He better not be in your backpack
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
