I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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