Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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