You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
