I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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