Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
