Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
