My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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