So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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