i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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