guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
