so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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