Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
