i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
