we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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