I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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