you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
