College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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