every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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