"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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