omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
