I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
