I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
