i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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