i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
