I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
