Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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