Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
