you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
