dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
