She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
