her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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