my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
