He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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