Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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