you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
