do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
