i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
