I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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