I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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