dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
