I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
