Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
