My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
tell me about the eggs
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
