For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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