Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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