He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
not ubering you a puppy
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
