I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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