I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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