i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
