I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
