I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
