i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
