That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
