He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
