just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
