to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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