Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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