I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I just shit out all my problems.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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